Why Epcot is Orlando’s worst theme park

An unpopular opinion

I can’t tell you about my first trip to Epcot because I don’t remember it; nor does any individual trip I’ve ever taken to Epcot stand out in my mind. What I remember about my pre-postgrad days at Epcot are: rides on Horizons and being able to choose your ending (I always went with space). Walking in, and always starting with Spaceship Earth; walking out, and finding our picture on the boulders. My rides on Body Wars, the best motion simulator Disney has made to date (in my opinion). Being lifted over the barrier around Mission Space by my Dad so that I could get a clear visual of the beautiful building façade. To me, Epcot has been a toe touch park; you plan when you’re going to leave before you even get in.

Epcot, as a theme park, has several things going for it. As most reading this article would know, the park itself is not Walt’s dream, but instead a convergence of two theme park ideas. Its sheer size is impressive at 305 acres; nearly three times the size of the Magic Kingdom (and over double of the Magic Kingdom Parking lot). It’s a park that’s tailor-made for festivals and a nighttime show. Epcot brings culture to the forefront in ways no park ever could (I’m looking at you Busch Garden’s Williamsburg and EuropaPark). The 8-sided, Geodesic Polyhedron which sits front and center of the park, is arguably Walt Disney World’s most unique and iconic structure (otherwise known as the ‘golf ball’).

The list of plusses could continue to grow including speaking in depth about the food festivals, sustainability practices and novelties for purchase inside of the countries from the countries who make them (sold by cast members from those countries); but fortunately, there’s no need. As I write (and think) about Epcot, what’s missing becomes more and more apparent…attractions. With Magic Kingdom, Islands of Adventure and Animal Kingdom (just to name 3 of the big 7 in Orlando) housing major draws; Epcot has none. Because Epcot has none, the truth couldn’t be more evident: Epcot is a 300-acre shopping mall.

WHAT ARE EPCOT’S “Must Do” ATTRACTIONS?

WHAT RIDES ARE AT EPCOT?

I’m sure some of you are thinking that Tony accidently hit ‘delete’ while highlighting the previous paragraph, but nope, that’s not a typo. There are a grand total of ZERO‘Must Do’ attractions at Epcot. Now, I’m sure Stacy would try and convince you otherwise, but let’s break it down in an objective manner.

Spaceship Earth is the first ride you come across when entering the park. While the show building is a marvel (even to this day), the ride and storytelling bring nothing amazing or spectacular to the audience. From one Space ride to another, Mission Space is a centrifuge spinner with screens. Even if you can stomach the ride, the teamwork and interactivity of the exit queue is more memorable in my book. When Test Track first opened, it was an amazing experience and the first major attendance draw for the park. Unfortunately, Radiator Springs Racers was added on the other coast and a renovation made ours worse (the only worse renovation was the worst in history which turned Alien Encounter into Stitches Great Escape). If “Tron Track” would have lived up to the name, it would get the same (or greater) attendance figures than Shanghai’s famed coaster from the same IP (and be a legitimate E ticket). As it stands, the bad storytelling and design components make this ride as skippable as USF’s Fast and Furious.

On the other side of the often dilapidated, never related and always vacated space (known by Epcot park maps as Innovations), there are three pavilions: The Living Seas, Living with the Land and {Living with an} Imagination. While one may argue that underwater, land and space should all be on one side, I would simply state that the three aforementioned pavilions are ‘of this world’. Across the Future World runway could (potentially) be the ‘otherworldly’ pavilions (Tron Track, Mission Space and Guardians of the Galaxy).

While most may not recall sponsors, my Dad was an employee of United Technologies; and thus, I’ve been inside the Living Seas Pavilion several times. What I most remember most is how we were treated by cast members; what I can easily forget is what’s inside. We will skip over the Land Pavilion for a moment and move to the ‘Imagination’ Pavilion; the Pavilion whose name invites amazing, but whose attractions greets you with average. Figment is best ridden once every decade, while the theater that housed two great shows now shows whatever Disney can get their hands on (that doesn’t cost any money). I saved the Land Pavilion for last because, although I wouldn’t consider anything inside to be a major draw, I will likely have naysayers when we talk about the ‘S’ word.

The thing I love about the Land Pavilion is it is, in my opinion, the most complete land in any theme park in the world. Leaving the walk up and the beautiful architecture to the side (as lands like Radiator Springs and Diagon Alley also have this), the inside delivers in a big way. Walking inside and around the pavilion, I still marvel at how much there is to see inside of (what looks to be) such a small space. The Circle of Life theater and a table service restaurant take up the second floor (or first floor..depending on your viewpoint of basements in Florida). Going to the lower level, guests can grab a quick bite at Sunshine Seasons, take a gentle boat ride (while learning about sustainability) or fly on Soarin’. Inside this Land you have two different dining venues (centered around the same theme), a show, an A/B ticket attraction and a C/D ticket attraction.

SOARIN NOT AN E!? Exactly, Soarin’ is notan E ticket attraction; and in my opinion, not even close. What makes an E-ticket attraction? Size, scale and scope are the big ones, but I’d add in story and theming as that’s what separates a Fair/Amusement Park from a THEME Park. Soarin’ moves you a few feet up into the air before the show begins…but so did Dumbo Flying Elephants and that was a C. Rocket Jets at Magic Kingdom raise you much higher up into the air, and they’re only a D. From there, what’s the attraction? You’re watching a video while smells are shot at you (reminds me of Journey into Imagination with Figment except less motion and less line). There’s also no real rhyme or reason as to why/how the flying adventure is all happening. Personally, I feel like the Tomorrowland Speedway is closer than Soarin’ to being an E ticket (and that was a C ticket), which is why I can’t give it any higher than a D.

WHAT TO RIDE IN WORLD SHOWCASE?

That’s the million-dollar question eh? The short answer is nothing (see “WHAT ARE EPCOT’S “Must-do” ATTRACTIONS” for more info on that). In all actuality, the current lineup is: The Grand Fiesta Tour (Mexico), Frozen Ever After (Norway), and…..and….oh wait, that’s all. The number of countries in World Showcase are 11 (not including the Outpost or Showcase Plaza).

In a theme park, which combined TWO theme parks, one of the two has exactly two rides. Yes, we’re getting Ratatouille, but Epcot opened in 1982 (and if the park was 35 years younger that Lilliputian number STILL wouldn’t be acceptable). On top of that, neither of the two slow moving boat rides are anything to write home about (unless you still write letters to the North Pole).

WHAT COULD (AND SHOULD) BE DONE?

         The simple answer is: a ride in every attraction…just one (although I’d love to see 2). Let’s pickup from where we left off, rotating around the lagoon:

China – Roaring Rapids (from Disneyland Shanghai) or a Mulan Omnimover (there is a live action movie around the corner….Chapek, are you listening?).

Germany – A Coaster from Mack (the family that owns EuropaPark and stole from Disney before Copywriting Internationally was a thing).

Italy – Gondola Boat ride (yes, more boats, but an attraction like this already exists in the East).

USA – A grand Wooden Roller coaster (one that would make Coney Island proud).

Japan – Aquatopia (from Tokyo Disneysea and for the budget minded theme park builder) or Journey to the Center of the Earth (but using Mt. Fuji as the mountain).

Morocco – Sinbad’s Storybook Village (because he’s from the Middle East and it’s an existing attraction).

France – We all know we’re getting Ratatouille (although it’s a bad version of Spiderman IMO).

UK – A Mary Poppins Dark Ride (maybe even having a recreation of the scene inside of The Great Movie Ride).

Canada – An original Train attraction (like train that connects USO with IOA, but displaying the beautiful Canadian wilderness, Niagra Falls, Northern Lights, etc.).

I feel like it’s easy for any reader to see that thinking isn’t that hard. And if you think, it’s elementary to come up with a handful of ideas based on entire countries history and culture (most countries have a lot of it). Not all the rides need to be big, 100M+, E-Ticket attractions; in fact, only 2-3 of them do. France will soon have one, then only Germany and Japan/China will need to have another (spreading draws along the back of the park). If you’re eying the U.S., all famous woodens across the USA don’t have a story and a theme, so let that be a story and theme in of itself!

With, you know…RIDES, Epcot could be the greatest theme park in the world (and break Magic Kingdom attendance figures). Agree? Disagree? Don’t care? Pick your poison before writing a comment below.

Also, feel free to follow the photo album from my adventures at vsco.com/albertawol